Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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