Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
