If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
