Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize