I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize