And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
