I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
