can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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