I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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