A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
