you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
