Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
