In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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