he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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