i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
