Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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