Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
