The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
