Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
