I wish I could teleport
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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