I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
