he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
