Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
