I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
