i permit you to call me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
