my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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