I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize