$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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