I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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