my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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