Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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