i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
