Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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