my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
