I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
