I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
