The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
