Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
