Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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