Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
