it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
