So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
