He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sext me about skeletons
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
