dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
