i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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