just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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