They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
