the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
