Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Please don't give away my fajitas
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
