so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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