i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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