I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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