hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
