I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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