Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
