Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
