I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
