Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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