we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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