I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
