i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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