I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize