I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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