Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
