Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
