now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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