he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
