They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
